Look Forward to New Memories….

I’ve had some people wanting me to post about grief, especially since I lost my dad back in May of 2016. Those who know me well, knew some of the hard times I’ve had. Somehow at this time it is difficult for me to write about grief because I am still grieving my dad. Nonetheless, grief doesn’t only apply to when we lose a loved one to death, one can grief the ending of many things like the ending of a job that one love, the end of a relationship, the end of a friendship, and the list goes on. So how does one deal with these kinds of grief that I just discussed? Although I think no one and nothing is replaceable, I think the best remedy is to allow yourself to feel the emotions you feel, go through the grieving process but always look forward to new memories.

We as human beings have a need to belong, feel needed and of connection. This is because this provides us with some sense of purpose. We need purpose because that is what gives our life meaning. Without purpose, life just feels meaningless and life is not meaningless at all.

Grief is a process that we all will go through at some point of our life and we all go through it in different ways. For two years, a part of me was in denial of my dad’s passing, and mind you, I was there when he passed away. Denial is one of the stages to grieving. Then it hit me on year 2 of his passing that he is actually physically gone. During the two years that I was in denial, I did gain weight. I gained weight because a big part of me didn’t want to feel the emotions I was feeling. This is a big mistake.

Not wanting to feel your emotions is a big mistake because all these emotions will find an outlet somehow. That outlet can be alcohol to numb your emotions, overeating or not eating much, smoking, shopping excessively, among many other things that can mask your emotions.

In any kind of loss that you may have, it’s important to allow yourself to go through the stages that you have to go through and feel your emotions. Know that life goes through different seasons. With any kind of loss, it’s important to allow things to flow. Allow yourself to process what happened. Allow yourself to feel the impact of this loss. Allow yourself to experience the stage of grief however way it needs to go through. But, if you notice that you are hitting rock bottom, please seek help. Know that you are not alone. And remember one very important thing, it’s important that no matter the loss, know that you have new memories to look forward to.

If you are going through a divorce, know that you have even more beautiful memories to experience because the person that is for you has yet to arrive. If someone who you thought was your friend for many years all of a sudden that friendship is broken, know that you have even more beautiful memories to experience with other people who have yet to arrive in your life. You lost a job that you so care about, know that you have even more beautiful memories to look forward to since a bigger and better door has yet to open. You lost a person you care about because they passed away, you still have beautiful memories to look forward to, even if that person will no longer be a part of those new memories.

The reason why you want to remind yourself that you have new memories to look forward to is because when we remain in the thought of what is lost, that can set us back even more, contributing to us hitting rock bottom. Grieving a loss is only natural. That is not something for you to avoid or force yourself not to go through. But what you don’t want to do is remain in the feelings and thoughts of that loss for too long to the point where that is your only focus point.

For as hard as it may be to accept, it is important to always keep in the back of our mind that nothing is forever, not even we are forever. This is the reason why we need to enjoy the present time we have, make the most of it, and know that there are new memories to look forward to always. This mentality is what will allow you to be resilient during very hard times. Wherever the mind goes, the body will follow.

So with today’s post, I want to encourage you if you find yourself feeling very low due to a loss, please remember that you have new memories to look forward to. I dedicate today’s post to my mother who is sadden by my dad’s passing since they have known each other since they were 11 years old. This is because I want her to remember that she still has new memories to look forward to, even if my dad is no longer in those new memories.

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How to Deal With Grief Without Letting It Consume You

Yesterday I was asked the question how do I manage to still do all the things that I am doing when my dad’s passing is so recent. It is this question that inspires me to write this post.

When one is grieving, it is easy to let yourself go, to not do much, to not care for yourself, to cry all the time and think about all the times spent with the person that passed. It is only normal to feel all this and this feeling is more intense depending on how close you were with the person as well as how long have you known that person. Know that it is important to grieve because repressing this emotion just makes your process long and hard, perhaps even harder than it already is. There is no easy way to handle grief but I can share with you what I think about it and how I handle it.

It’s important to know that the person that passed is always with you, it’s just that they are now with you in a different form. Unfortunately, death is a normal process of life and accepting this is important. Even though I can’t see my father physically, I can still feel him and this in itself provides for me a certain comfort.

In order to handle grief in a way that doesn’t consume your everyday life, it is necessary to give yourself space to feel the grief. You do this by giving yourself what I like to call some “sad time”. What this means is that you give yourself space to feel your emotions, to cry if you have to and you feel this way for a certain amount of time. Once that time is up, you wipe your tears and move on with the day. I do this because it helps me feel better, that way I don’t keep in the sadness of my dad’s passing to myself. This also allows me to be present for work since I am not carrying with me that hurt to work. This is what giving yourself some “sad time” can do. When you deprive yourself of this, you bottle up what you feel and it is only a matter of time for it to spill over to other areas of your life. Also, by not putting a times up on your “sad time”, you allow that sadness to take momentum which then ruins your day. How does it ruin your day? Well, sadness paralyzes you. Sadness makes you lose your center and when that happens, you can’t think with clarity, you can’t make the right choices, etc. This is not what you want. Despite the sadness, it’s important to take control of your emotions. Give your emotions some space but not for too long.

I remember the promise that I made my dad and he asked me not to cry so much for him. I can understand why he said this to me and that’s because he wants his kids and wife to be strong. Sadness, when it is prolonged for too long, weakens you in every way. What keeps a household strong is the strength and I know that just like him, if I ever have kids of my own, I want to encourage my kids to be strong themselves long after I’m gone and I too would encourage them not to cry so much for me.

I know I honor my dad with my strength and courage to move on. I honor him by being the best version of me that I can be because I am an extension of him on this earth. You honor those who pass by your strength and courage to move on and being the best you that you can be. If it’s one of your parents that passed, you are an extension of them on this earth. Be the best extension of them. Make them proud of you. Honor the dreams that you told them you have for yourself. It is this knowing that I am an extension of him that gives me the courage to move on.

There is no easy way to handle grief and there are several stages of grief that unfortunately one must go through the stages. But just know that you honor that person with your strength and courage. Know that they want you to be strong. Know that they want you to be happy. Of course you will miss them, of course you will want to cry because you wish you had them one more time but know that they are always with you even in spirit.

You can read this blog on your Kindle by clicking on the Amazon Kindle store athttps://www.amazon.com/Live-MaxTM-Viva-al-m%C3%A1ximoTM/dp/B00NK1JOJ4 and you can listen to my online radio show at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/AuraEMartinez.

The Secrets to Strength and Clarity

Strength and clarity- two key ingredients needed whenever one deals with very difficult times. Strength is needed because it is a must to be strong enough to not break apart but yet strong enough that at the same time you can still become a better person as a result of what you are going through rather than allowing your heart to harden as a result. You need clarity because it is during difficult times that one has to make very hard decisions and in order to make the right decisions, you need clarity.

With this said, what are the secrets to strength and clarity? The secrets are having a good mind, keeping your emotions in check, compartmentalizing and giving things space.

Having a good mind is extremely important. Without a good mind, you have the wrong perspective, you make bad decisions and everything in your life will reflect what is in your mind. This is because indeed everything starts in the mind. It is a must that you train your mind to be how you need it to be.

Keeping your emotions in check is a must because wherever your emotions go, your body will follow. When all you are feeling are negative emotions, you also make bad decisions and will have the wrong perspective, both not conducive to great well-being. When emotionally you are not right, you won’t want to choose the right foods to nourish your body. Eventually your physical body will suffer as well. We are emotional beings and as emotional beings, we make decisions based on our emotions. This is the very reason why you need to keep your emotions in check.

One thing to learn from men that I think should not be a man thing is compartmentalizing. Men have a fascinating way of separating things, events and emotions and this is a great survival tool. The reason for this is because by compartmentalizing, you don’t spill over other areas of your life the stress that one area of your life is causing you. Compartmentalizing basically is separating mentally and emotionally the different areas of your life. This is a challenge at first if you normally mesh every area of your life but it can be mastered.

It is important to give yourself space- space to feel your emotions, space to be there for yourself, space to tend to your needs, space away from the things that hurt you. The reason for this is to maintain your mental and emotional sanity. Space allows things to flow freely because when you allow things to flow freely, they have a way of getting better. For instance, when you give yourself space to grieve, you are letting that all out which will help you feel better. When instead you bottle your emotions in, it is only a matter of time for that to explode like a volcano. This is why space is very important.

Strength and clarity are two things that although are very important in difficult times it can be a challenge to have, trust me, I know. However, if you work on the ingredients needed to have both strength and clarity, you will surely have both.

You can read the blog on your Kindle by clicking on the Amazon Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/Live-MaxTM-Viva-al-m%C3%A1ximoTM/dp/B00NK1JOJ4 and you can listen to my online radio show at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/AuraEMartinez.

 

It’s Little By Little, Day By Day

What inspires me to write this is the fact that my family and I are grieving the passing of my father who passed away this past Friday, May 20th. We know it will take time to accept this fact, to find the conformity in how things happened and to accept that he is no longer with us physically. All that anyone can do in circumstances like this is to remind oneself that it’s little by little, day by day.

It’s little by little, day by day that you will start to accept the fact that whatever that is going on in your life is actually going on in your life. This is because it takes time to process things. It takes time to heal wounds. It takes time to understand things. It takes time to process one’s emotions.

It’s little by little, day by day that you will put the pieces together. When one grieves, of course physically you reflect what you feel and it takes a little at a time and day by day to get back to your old self again. It takes time to be able to find things with the same beauty as you once did. It takes time to understand that it is ok to feel what you feel at the moment that you feel it.

It’s little by little, day by day that you start to realize that the ending of something is just the beginning of something new. The end is never the end and even when a chapter ends, life must go on and so you must go on.

It’s little by little, day by day because nothing is done all at once. You don’t just grow from night to day, you don’t just heal one moment to the next, you don’t get over a grief so quick. It’s ok to grieve because in the grieving you are processing what is going on, you are letting out all that you feel, you are little by little putting your own pieces together in a way that only you can do for yourself.

There are different kinds of grieving and although I’m grieving my dad’s passing, one can grieve their marriage or anything that was so meaningful to them. Grief is grief and no matter what the grief is, it takes little by little, day by day.